First "official" day back at work

I went back to work officially today. :)
First off, this meant time for the official weigh in (my goal was to get back to my pre pregnancy weight before school started). Well....I weighed myself this morning and 135 popped up on the scale. I did it!!!!!! I couldn't be happier about that.
I also got to interact with my co workers today, get focused on the upcoming school year and get my classroom ready.
I was in a great mood all day, and the best part was the girls went to daycare and both had spectacular days too. :)

How I'm doing

So a month ago I went to my dr saying I cried constantly and couldn't live in the moment any more. She said it sounds like I had postpartum anxiety and depression. I thought it how could this be? I didn't have it with my first daughter. I found every excuse in the book to explain why I felt this way but my dr wanted to try me taking zoloft. So I took my prescription home, debated taking it or not and decided to try it. Well I can say today I went in to my 1 month check up and it was an amazing feeling to fill out the postpartum depression/anxiety survey and be able to fill it out with a smile on my face and positivity inside me. 
I wish there wasn't such a negative attachment when people hear the words postpartum depression/anxiety. I wasn't crazy, but I did need help. Today felt so good to smile and say that to myself. :)

Oh and I am now only 5lbs from my pre pregnancy weight!!! 

2 month weight check

Almost back to my pre pregnancy weight! I made some great progress this month. I have been eating more protein and still walking 3-6 miles every day. Weighed myself and I now lost another 4 lbs, that means 10 lbs left to go!!! I can do it! Only a month left before school starts and I want to be back at my old size/weight.

Zoloft

I am deeply embarrassed to say I have postpartum anxiety/depression and that I am on medication for it. I haven't told anyone besides Chad and my best friend Amy. I feel like if anyone knew they would assume I cracked under the pressure of being a mom... or I worry they will treat me differently. I already notice Chad treating me a little differently since I started taking the medication. He is checking in on me more and more and assuming everything is stressing me out. I wish I could have taken the medicine without even telling him, but at the same time I am so happy that I have him here for me. I do need to talk things through more now and he listens. I need that.

I have been on my medication for a week now and already am noticing a difference. It was a trial/error the first few days as far as getting my body used to it and figuring out when to take it. I was EXTREMELY nauseous the first day, and had insomnia the next day (I was up till 3am). Now I started taking the pill with my lunch and it seems to be perfect. I am tired at bed time and when I start to get nauseous I just need to have a small snack. I will say, even only being on it a week I am noticing a difference. Maybe it is all in my head or maybe the medication was something I needed, but either way I feel better. I feel like there isn't a weight on my chest at all times. I feel like I can breathe when Ellery is being her crazy self before snapping at her. I feel like I can worry about what's happening in front of me and not what will happen later on. I hope this continues on and that I continue to enjoy life like this.

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, because it isn't anything I have control over. However, no one talks openly about ppd...is it really not that common or is it that everyone is too ashamed to admit they are going through a hard time? To be honest, I wish more people talked openly about it...I know I would like to talk to someone who has been through this, just to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I wont have to be on this medication forever.

Postpartum Anxiety/Depression

I went to the doctor today and talked to her about what I have been feeling lately. I cried as I told her, tried to make excuses about why I was feeling this way, but in the end said everything I wanted to say...and she said I definitely have many signs of postpartum anxiety and depression. The anxiety is actually causing my depression. The doctor prescribed me Zoloft and told me to take if for a month and come back for a check in. Problem is I don't really want to take an antidepressant...I feel like if I take the pills I am officially admitting I am crazy. I know it is a horrible stigma to have in my head but I can't help but think this way.

After talking to Chad, I decided to take the medicine. So I took the first pill tonight. The doctor said it won't change everything and make the world around me look like rainbows, but it will hopefully settle me down, focus me and help me not always "snap" like I am now. The doctor also said it will take at least a week for me to start seeing a difference.

My worries: the medicine will make me worse (suicidal), I will be on this medicine the rest of my life, or that Chad will treat me differently because he thinks I'm a different person.

Here goes nothing....let's hope this helps :)

"Live in the Moment"

I can't seem to "live in the moment" anymore. I am constantly focused on things ending instead of what is actually happening. Examples: on our mini vacation, I didn't have a whole lot of fun because I kept thinking, we leave Tuesday, I only have __ days left before this is over. It's the same when chad works his night shifts. Instead of enjoying the day with him, Im constantly checking the clock because I know he has to work in __ hours. It's not that I want to go home or have him go to work. Quite the opposite but I am always so worried time is up. How do I start just enjoying the time I have when doing things instead of being sad it will be over soon??? It literally makes me so anxious that when it is over I cry because I wasted that whole time doing nothing but thinking ahead. 


I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, hopefully I will be able to talk to Dr. B about this just to make sure I'm okay. 

Baby Smile :)

Gemma has been smiling for the past week or so but I haven't caught it on camera...until today!

The battle of losing the baby weight...

Last pregnancy (Ellery) I gained 30 lbs and I don't remember having a hard time losing the weight. I remember leaving the hospital in my regular (non maternity) jeans that buttoned. Maybe it was a struggle and it took time to get back down to my pre pregnancy weight but I just don't remember it.

This time (Gemma) I gained 34lbs and could NOT get into any of my pregnancy jeans. Some of them I couldn't even get past my hips. Others that I got past my hips/butt, were no where near buttoning. Since it is spring, I have been trying to get outside and walk everyday but everyday I try on an old pair of shorts and they don't fit, it crushes me. Everyone says losing weight with baby #2 and so on always gets harder...but it's not impossible. The scale was going down (slowly) and then got stuck, but today went down again! :)

Prepregnancy, I was always around 135lbs. When I went into the hospital the scale was at 169 (I was so happy to never see 170!). Today, finally I hit 149.8! Yes I realize it is dang close to 150, but seeing anything in the 140s is HUGE! Last week I fit into my "fat" jeans and today I fit into my "normal" jeans. Don't get me wrong, they didn't fit great, but they did button. (Just left me with a large muffin top) It has been a battle, and still is (more even emotionally than physically) but I will be back to my goal weight before school starts (August!)

20 lbs down-14 to go! 

My plan: keep breastfeeding (major calorie burner) and continue to walk 3-4 miles at least 3 days a week!

Earrings

I have been waiting and we finally did it! We pierced Ellery's Ears! I wanted to do it right away when she was still an infant (hoping that she wouldn't be as afraid or focus on the pain as much) but Chad always said no. He always says when he sees babies with earrings it takes away from how cute they really are. Well I don't know what go into him today but he said if we wanted to do it, today was the day. So we went to Claire's and we did explain to Ellery it would hurt a little bit. Luckily they had 2 girls working so they could do both her ears at the same time. I was worried they would do one, and then not want to do the other because of it hurting. Then what do you do???

They pierced them and she went from all smiles to SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER! They looked great but she could careless. She just screamed and screamed...for about 10 minutes straight.

Now a few hours and a nap later she is happy as can be. She still cries a bit when we clean them because they are a bit sore but hopefully the more we clean them the less of a big deal it will be in her eyes.

I do have to say she looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL and I am just loving how they sparkle in her ears. My little girl is clearly growing up!

No time!

What can I say, we are surviving with both girls...but we are busy. Not as busy as I expected, but busy enough that I don't get to blog. Chad is still on his paternity leave for a couple more days, but Monday he goes back to work :( That is when the real adventure will begin. I have only gone out with the two girls by myself once and it was to Target for an hour.

Ellery is in love with Gemma. She wants to hold her constantly. She is always asking to hug and kiss her. Gemma is still so little (I would say between 8-9 lbs) and is eating a ton! She eats about every 2 hours-3-3.5oz. She is sleeping great and has since the beginning. She sleeps about 3-4 hour chunks through the night. That is nice because it is still enough time for me to fall back asleep after I feed her and pump.

Pumping sucks, I feel like my life revolves around it and I can never do anything because of it. We go for walks or out to dinner, and I always have to plan to pump before we go and then monitor the time while we are gone to make sure I get home in time to pump again. I have been able to space out my pumping about 3-4 hours. My milk definitely came in and has been productive (like with Ellery). That definitely keeps me motivated to keep going. I know when I pump I get 16-20 oz each time and that is more than enough for Gemma plus some extra to save to build my "daycare milk stash" up for the fall when I go back to work. I am already filling boxes with bags of milk in the freezer downstairs.

Chad seems to really be enjoying his time at home with the girls. He loves feeding Gemma and playing with Ellery. He keeps talking about how he wishes we could win the lottery so he could stay home permanently. :) **I wish**

As far as how I am doing...I am taking it day by day. I have a breakdown each day. Apparently it's the BABYBLUES in full force. Chad has noticed I am much happier and less likely to fall in my funk if we stay active and get outside. So we have been going for walks or just making it a point to go have a drink outside most days. It really makes a big difference. I am mostly frustrated with the weight and body shape from being pregnant. I always just expect to be my old self and size again right after I have the baby. Well I am not! I am still close to 20+lbs heavier than I started and I can't get most of my jeans (except my fat jeans) past my hips/butt area. My stomach is flabby and has no shape at all. We have been walking almost daily (1.5-3 miles depending on weather). I am hoping that by my 6 week check up I can be back in my reg clothes completely and much closer to my pre-pregnancy weight. We will see!

Breastfeeding vs Pumping

This is a constant debate I have had in my mind pre-baby Gemma, and was something I had to choose between with Elle when she was a baby. I keep reassuring myself that both provide the baby with the best food possible for their growing bodies and minds, breastmilk. However, for some reason I always feel guilty if I am unable to directly breastfeed and instead choose to exclusively pump/bottle feed.
With Elle I tried breastfeeding at the hospital but never got her to really latch so I came home and started to pump. Part of me hoped this would be different.
Pumping was fine but it is so inconvenient and time consuming. Because so many of my friends had babies the same time I had Elle this was very noticible. We would go to the mall or zoo and if their baby got hungry they would just "throw the baby on the boob" and keep going with life. I however had to have bottles packed in the cooler, find a place to warm them up and even find places (usually bathrooms) to pump myself so I didn't start to leak. I always found myself seperating from everyone. People would come visit and same situation, I always would have to leave the room to go sit somewhere alone and pump. It drains on you, especially when you are still trying to be a mom and get that all figured out.
At the hospital this time, I again tried to breast feed. Gemma actually latched and it wasn't perfect but it was working out. I was shocked. Well as the hours passed, she kept trying to breastfeed but it started to get harder and harder. She was very aggressive and would latch, let go and then latch again...problem being it would hurt me so bad. I tried toughing it out but eventually the pain was too painful and I couldn't do it. She actually was so aggressive that at one point she actually got a hold of my boob, not my nipple, and pulled a chunk of skin off.
So once again I came to this debate, what do I do? Well the pain wasn't something I could really tough through so we came to pumping again. I pumped in the hospital and it wasn't ideal, still hurt a bit because at this point my nipples were raw and bleeding a bit. But the lactation consultant reassured me this will get better once they heal. I didn't get much colostrom at first, which was frustrating but I have high hopes I will have a lot of milk, like I did with Elle, eventually.
Well we are about 2 days into this pumping and my milk is starting to come in and my supply is definitely starting to grow. It is a big reassurance to see the milk in the bottles. It motivates me to keep going and to see that I am doing something that makes a difference. I am still annoyed by having to stop what I am doing and pump ever 2-3 hours but deep down I know what I am doing is right for Gemma. She still is getting breastmilk, but she is just getting it in a bottle. A positive of that is Chad and Ellery can help feed her this way and bond with her more. I know pumping is the best choice for our situation, but it still hurts a bit when people see me feeding her a bottle and say "oh I thought you were breastfeeding..." Then I have to have that awkward conversation that I am breastfeeding just through pumping. It's awkward because I feel like I have to justify what I am doing to them. Hopefully, I can not let those conversions get to me and I can just keep pumping strong.

From 3 Weilands to 4

We are no longer a family of 3, but now a family of 4. We have officially added another girl to our family today. Gemma Kemper Weiland was born today (5/21/14). I was shocked to find out baby Weiland was a girl, and even more shocked to see she was a brown haired little girl. Her older sister Ellery is very excited have a sister, and Chad and I are more than excited to start living our new life as a family of 4 and a family of a bunch of girls and 1 guy. Poor Chad is out numbered... Wish us luck as we transition into this new world we have in front of us.