First "official" day back at work

I went back to work officially today. :)
First off, this meant time for the official weigh in (my goal was to get back to my pre pregnancy weight before school started). Well....I weighed myself this morning and 135 popped up on the scale. I did it!!!!!! I couldn't be happier about that.
I also got to interact with my co workers today, get focused on the upcoming school year and get my classroom ready.
I was in a great mood all day, and the best part was the girls went to daycare and both had spectacular days too. :)

How I'm doing

So a month ago I went to my dr saying I cried constantly and couldn't live in the moment any more. She said it sounds like I had postpartum anxiety and depression. I thought it how could this be? I didn't have it with my first daughter. I found every excuse in the book to explain why I felt this way but my dr wanted to try me taking zoloft. So I took my prescription home, debated taking it or not and decided to try it. Well I can say today I went in to my 1 month check up and it was an amazing feeling to fill out the postpartum depression/anxiety survey and be able to fill it out with a smile on my face and positivity inside me. 
I wish there wasn't such a negative attachment when people hear the words postpartum depression/anxiety. I wasn't crazy, but I did need help. Today felt so good to smile and say that to myself. :)

Oh and I am now only 5lbs from my pre pregnancy weight!!! 

2 month weight check

Almost back to my pre pregnancy weight! I made some great progress this month. I have been eating more protein and still walking 3-6 miles every day. Weighed myself and I now lost another 4 lbs, that means 10 lbs left to go!!! I can do it! Only a month left before school starts and I want to be back at my old size/weight.

Zoloft

I am deeply embarrassed to say I have postpartum anxiety/depression and that I am on medication for it. I haven't told anyone besides Chad and my best friend Amy. I feel like if anyone knew they would assume I cracked under the pressure of being a mom... or I worry they will treat me differently. I already notice Chad treating me a little differently since I started taking the medication. He is checking in on me more and more and assuming everything is stressing me out. I wish I could have taken the medicine without even telling him, but at the same time I am so happy that I have him here for me. I do need to talk things through more now and he listens. I need that.

I have been on my medication for a week now and already am noticing a difference. It was a trial/error the first few days as far as getting my body used to it and figuring out when to take it. I was EXTREMELY nauseous the first day, and had insomnia the next day (I was up till 3am). Now I started taking the pill with my lunch and it seems to be perfect. I am tired at bed time and when I start to get nauseous I just need to have a small snack. I will say, even only being on it a week I am noticing a difference. Maybe it is all in my head or maybe the medication was something I needed, but either way I feel better. I feel like there isn't a weight on my chest at all times. I feel like I can breathe when Ellery is being her crazy self before snapping at her. I feel like I can worry about what's happening in front of me and not what will happen later on. I hope this continues on and that I continue to enjoy life like this.

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, because it isn't anything I have control over. However, no one talks openly about ppd...is it really not that common or is it that everyone is too ashamed to admit they are going through a hard time? To be honest, I wish more people talked openly about it...I know I would like to talk to someone who has been through this, just to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I wont have to be on this medication forever.

Postpartum Anxiety/Depression

I went to the doctor today and talked to her about what I have been feeling lately. I cried as I told her, tried to make excuses about why I was feeling this way, but in the end said everything I wanted to say...and she said I definitely have many signs of postpartum anxiety and depression. The anxiety is actually causing my depression. The doctor prescribed me Zoloft and told me to take if for a month and come back for a check in. Problem is I don't really want to take an antidepressant...I feel like if I take the pills I am officially admitting I am crazy. I know it is a horrible stigma to have in my head but I can't help but think this way.

After talking to Chad, I decided to take the medicine. So I took the first pill tonight. The doctor said it won't change everything and make the world around me look like rainbows, but it will hopefully settle me down, focus me and help me not always "snap" like I am now. The doctor also said it will take at least a week for me to start seeing a difference.

My worries: the medicine will make me worse (suicidal), I will be on this medicine the rest of my life, or that Chad will treat me differently because he thinks I'm a different person.

Here goes nothing....let's hope this helps :)

"Live in the Moment"

I can't seem to "live in the moment" anymore. I am constantly focused on things ending instead of what is actually happening. Examples: on our mini vacation, I didn't have a whole lot of fun because I kept thinking, we leave Tuesday, I only have __ days left before this is over. It's the same when chad works his night shifts. Instead of enjoying the day with him, Im constantly checking the clock because I know he has to work in __ hours. It's not that I want to go home or have him go to work. Quite the opposite but I am always so worried time is up. How do I start just enjoying the time I have when doing things instead of being sad it will be over soon??? It literally makes me so anxious that when it is over I cry because I wasted that whole time doing nothing but thinking ahead. 


I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, hopefully I will be able to talk to Dr. B about this just to make sure I'm okay. 

Baby Smile :)

Gemma has been smiling for the past week or so but I haven't caught it on camera...until today!